Category: Just Me

That was me… the woman in the featured picture was me when I started this book writing journey. Recently, I’ve mourned that woman. Wondered where the hell she went! Why, that woman, who never has EVER had writer’s block in her entire life, (been writing since age ten), has not only become blocked, but like the light in her creative soul has been snuffed out. Suffocated. She disappeared. Vanished! Left only behind this empty shell that wanders around aimlessly, binging on Netflix, or Hallmark Channel, and leaves a trail of unfiled paperwork, and empty wine glasses.

This other, impostor has alluded to being Patti Diener, and shown signs that underneath she might still be there if I can only uncover her. At this point I realize that the real Patti Diener, is hiding out. The thing she never thought would happen has happened, and now she’s taken up residency in the safety of the bottom of the genie bottle and doesn’t want to come out and play anymore. What’s happened? I’ll tell you. It’s what the real Patti Diener fears the most... She’s Not In Control.

That may sound like no big deal to some of you, but for people like me, who like to have some form of control over what, why, when, and where, this entire year has pulled the rug out from under me. I often say things like, “don’t move my cheese!” or “change and I don’t get along,” so you can imagine what a year like this cantankerous 2020, has done to me.

What it’s done…to…me.

In the beginning, I was handling this all very well. I was even quite proud of myself. During the days where we weren’t told much at work, (I’m a public school librarian), I tried to get ahead of the game. I knew in March, when we had to keep kids at home because of Covid, that each week they pushed back the date we’d be allowed to have kids back on campus, that ultimately the answer was going to be that we’re not. I knew in my gut that the 2019-20 school year was done. So I did all my end of the year stuff to get ahead. Because that’s what planners, or Type A personalities do. We like to have things under control.

Keeping a positive attitude was my goal. I realized I could ball up in anxiety from everything the press was telling us, OR… I could look at this all as an opportunity to write and do a bit of self care. Soul searching if you will. I was feeling the toxicity of public education when we all left anyway, so why not take advantage of this time off?

I dove head first into learning new things to promote my book, AFTER THE FIRE. I bought a program to make ads and another one to make videos and edit them. I enjoyed the creative part of these and wanted to share with other creative people, specifically in the writing community. I was having some fun. Despite the fact that I had all my book events canceled, and most of my contracts at the stores had to come to an end since they were shut down due to Covid, I was staying in a pretty good place emotionally.

There was something brewing under the surface though. Something I would never have guessed and it spun my summer out of control for about six weeks.

At first, I thought I was going crazy.

Quite literally, I was feeling myself losing it and not remembering stuff, extreme heart rates, choking feelings out of nowhere, headaches, and body pain. Then came the horrid jaw pain, pressure on my neck. NOT a sore throat. MY NECK. I’d never had this before and this down to the bone tiredness that left me so weak I had no choice but to lay down. I’d almost pass out from fatigue by around one o’clock in the after noon and sleep for hours.

What the hell was wrong with me?

I have always been a pretty healthy person. I’ve always been active, eaten really well for the most part, and had regular check ups, for which always came back as, “hey, I don’t even know why you are here because you are so healthy.” But I knew something was wrong and I had to see a doctor.

To make a very long story a bit shorter, after seeing two different doctors and thousands of dollars in tests, I was diagnosed with Subacute Thyroiditis. This is a rare condition that is basically brought on by a virus. In most cases it will correct itself. Some treatment of the thyroid can be given to help it along but so far I’m just being monitored. After a few more months I should be back to normal. The pain has gone but some of the side effects are still with me. I am healing pretty well though.

The point of that story is to tell you this one. During that scary time, you can imagine all the thoughts that went through my head. Not a lot of them were good. The next thing I did was read absolutely everything under the sun about thyroid health, and how it effects the rest of your body. The control freak that lives in my head, the bossy roommate that is the know-it-all that talks non-stop in my brain, had to know EVERYTHING she could about it. It gave me some sort of relief and I completely changed my diet. I also started taking certain supplements that really made me feel tons better. It all made me feel more in control, (are you sensing a pattern here?).

But then I realized I had to rely on my faith and intuition. I’m a healthy person. I’d say that a lot. I’m very healthy and I need to stop living in fear. But how was I going to get off that merry-go-round? Every time I thought I’m no longer trying to control something, I’d catch myself really trying to control it.

In my past, when something terrible happened in my life that I was helpless to fix, I had to learn to let it all go. This didn’t come easy. Some say, “Let go and let GOD,” and some say, “Trust in The Universe.” For me it’s all the same. I just seem to have this default of going back to my fear based thinking and believe that if I do X, Y, and Z.. I will get the results I want. It’s not always that simple.

Then I stopped and thought about the situation all around us. This year of 2020, and what some would say is a curse, or the end of times, or whatever negative spin you want to put on it. I am trying my hardest to NOT do that. I’m instead, wondering as a human being on this planet, on a journey that is mine alone, what am I supposed to learn from all this?

The month of August, I went back to what I started in May, and that was to continue on my spiritual journey and read more about letting go. I love books. Hello!…Librarian here. Any time in my life that I needed to figure out something, I’d find a book on it and read. My house is filled with self help, spiritual, and inspirational books. I love Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, Don Miguel Ruiz, and Gabrielle Bernstein. But I also love the kick ass books of Tony Robbins, Dean Graziosi, Brene Brown, and Elizabeth Gilbert, for their, pull yourself up by your boot straps but forgive yourself for being human, messages. The whole, anything is possible, mentality appeals to me. I mean, why wouldn’t it?

So I’m cruising along, but still cannot write. I meditate and in one of my deeper sessions I’m hearing, “It’s okay. You have plenty of time.” Also in this meditation, I’m hearing, “An easier path is right there.”

Can you imagine my excitement?

But then I’m derailed again. After feeling this great momentum of finding my way and breaking through walls, learning to love all the little things as well as plan for the greater future, and understanding more about myself and what it is that I truly want, I spiral again. We have more of these freakin’ California fires. UGH!

Feelings of fear, defeat, anger, resentment, confusion, and loss all come crashing back. The media is worse than ever, the negativity of the world seems to encompass me, swallowing me up and leaving me feeling frozen.

It’s been a tough few weeks for anyone living in California. Especially if you live in Northern California. With the fires almost out, we still struggle with awful air quality. But it is Labor Day Weekend, and a three day weekend is still a good thing to smile about.

So I’m writing today to use this platform not only as a sounding board for my emotions, but to say that we are all feeling something. Good, bad, up, down, we are all on the same ride. Some days it’s harder than others to navigate, and we aren’t always on the same page. It feels more like being a ball on the top of the parachute in school. Remember? When we’d all stand in the MPR in a huge circle and hold onto the colorful parachute and shake, shake, shake it so that the balls would pop up and down? Am I dating myself? Well, some of us are the ball falling when others are popping up. Either way, it’s one helluva ride.

Someday it will settle down. I don’t know what the world will look like when it does, but what this year is giving me is the opportunity to learn patience. I’m not overly fond of waiting. I’m less fond of not knowing what’s behind the curtain and trusting. I like to, (you know, you can say it) be in control. But I’m being vulnerable here, by letting you all know, that for nearly two months my writing has ceased, and I’ve felt literally frozen. Paralyzed. THAT has scared me more than any of the other things happening this year.

I was listening today to an old podcast with Brene Brown, and I am paraphrasing but it was like, “Being vulnerable isn’t posting all your personal garbage out on social media. It’s being truly your authentic self and brave enough to have the courage to share that with someone. And you share with people who have earned the right to hear your story.” I thought… yes. And we all know who our special people are that we can trust and count on, who have earned the right to hear what we need to say. And right now, we all are suffering something. Find your person and get it out. You might find you feel a whole lot better.

Today, I hit some bumps. This weird year isn’t over yet, but I realize now that we are all growing, and learning. I’m fifty-two years old, and learning still more about myself every day. My biggest lesson is to learn patience and stay in the moment. It’s freakin’ hard! But every day I will continue to try. In the end, I just want peace, like the rest of us. You cannot have peace when you are trying to control everything. That I’ve learned. Still, I’m a work in progress.

What 2020 did for me…

It’s taught me that things are going to work out in the time frame that they are meant to. The longer I struggle, the longer things will seem difficult. By letting go and realizing I have absolutely no control over when, it releases me from that burden of trying. Being a stick on the river flowing along is far easier than trying to swim upstream. Even a middle aged woman can learn a thing or two. I hope my children are faster at picking these things up than I am.

As a writer, when I sat down today to write this blog, and decided to be honest and say how my writing was going, (now I’m about two months behind my self-imposed schedule for my new book), I found that the block I was experiencing is now, miraculously, lifted.

Sending you all loving thoughts. Take care.